Surrealist Miu

My life

2010-10-27T09:13:00.001-07:00

If there are stars in the sky
Why could I only see the hollow sky

I tried to touch the dark sky
But it drift further away and away
Refusing my touch

I turned away and lowered my head
Hugging close to the bed
For some warmth and comfort

For that's the only place who kept me safe

The strongest shoulder in this planet
Is the icy cold wall
Where I could lean and give me great supports

And when emotions are done
And the dews are dried
Its just another passing phase

Where I walk this way
Along with my shadow

Where the dim light shone ahead
Showing me a shed of hope

Which was overshadowed
By the overwhelming darkness

And the light gets smaller
Like a pinhole size

And my foot steps
Become slower and heavier

Until I see no more light
I stood and freezed
My breath gets slower
Drawing a little each time

If there is a donation drive for life
How I wish I could give mine

The long wait.........

2009-08-04T03:20:00.000-07:00

The butterflies fly fly
The insane woman cry cry

The foolish one says good bye
The lonely one talks to no one

The world swirls clockwise
My world seems to be the end of time

The exhilaration died down
And the dark cloud returns to town

The wait is long and aimless
The results would it be speechless?

A game of gamble
My fate held by the others

All sealed in a bag of red dancing ribbons
The guilt that will never be washed by droplets
The pain in the heart, no one could describe

The left and right routes lay up
Like pieces of dominos piled up

Which route will I be destining to walk?
Which route will cut like roses’ torns?

What lays ahead my lord?
Why torment me till I rot?

Why can’t you just leave me alone?
How many others you have fought?

If this the life you want me to live
Tell me straight

The wait is long and I could not wait

Time to stop wasting time

2009-03-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

I have no time
I must have been too kind
I can wait but time wont wait

Many doubts and fears
And year rolls after year

Its not that I cant wait
But time wont let me wait
I am still coping with facts
I wish they don’t exist but I have to accept
I dont have a bigger heart
That could contain all your spiky darts

How much more to be put through
How much should I wait?
How much will I expect and get disappointed when I age
How many more devasting truth to face?

The diving bell rings
Tell me its enough of hell to even spend time to think

Halt and look into my soul
What life should I hold?
I tried to melt the clock
I tried to tell myself just have faith

The old man told me to be patience
But hold on no more would I be so foolish

For life is short and time wont wait
And its just one life time I could live

Time should spend more wisely
Else it just slip pass silently
Leave their traces on my face

And if thats the case
I rather be engraved
On that cold solid stone
That embrace

And its a stone that I have
or each of us will have
at the end of this journey
No matter how much love we gave
or gotten from grace

虽然我愿意

2009-02-26T04:50:00.000-08:00

词:伍家辉小寒萧贺硕
曲:伍家辉

请让我靠近你轻轻对你说
别让我每个夜为你受折磨
是多么不容易才默默放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
别让我因为你被回忆折磨
而空气凝结了我们的脸孔

我别无选择

Chorus

就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你

虽然被放弃
虽然我愿意

就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意

心还想着你

再让我靠近你轻轻对你说
当我说我要你从此好好过
是真的否则我怎么肯放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
赐给我你现在幸福的笑容
别让恨冻结了我们的脸孔

请你做选择

是我想太多

2009-02-23T20:01:00.000-08:00

是我想太多你总这样说 (You said I have been thinking too much)
但你却没有真的心疼我 (But you have never seriously cared)
是我想太多我也这样说 (I have thought too much)
这是唯一能安慰我的理由 (This is the only word I could use to comfort myself)

Veronica Decides to Die

2009-01-30T23:09:00.000-08:00

Surrealist Miu done this over one night in just say... 4hrs. My hands were tremblings with fatigue after its done. I just washed my face and dry up my hands (with subborn paint still smudged) and fell flat on bed.

This is a painting I did just yesterday after finished Paulo Coelho's Veronica's Decides to Die.

Journey

2009-01-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

It's a long, long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long, long journey
and I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to You

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know You'll be standing by my side
It's a long, long journey
And I need to be close to You
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

Sometimes it seems no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will You break down these walls and pull me through?

'Cause it's a long, long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to You

你是谁？我是谁？(Who are u? Who am I?)

2009-01-22T05:41:00.000-08:00

本来属于是自己的，却变成是别人的。
(What suppose to belong to me, became someone else's)

以为是自己的，其实是别人的。
(What I thought was mine, belongs to someone else's)

我到底属于谁的？谁属于我的？
(I belong to who then? And who belongs to me?)

Words

2009-01-20T20:52:00.001-08:00

Words so beautifully said were like melody to the ears.
They could make you light, that you are almost touching the sky.

Words can be like a spear.
They could rain into your heart and pierce on the same old wound a million times.

Words could make you understand or create misunderstands.

Words could have saved a life in the nick of time.

Words could also kill a life.

Words could have changed a person’s life.

Words could have been the truth or the lie.

Words said cannot be taken back

Words said could have been so meaningful then again it can be equally meaningless.

Words are things we said when we communicate.

And what is more than words could say?

Lies

2008-12-14T21:58:00.001-08:00

I lie

I lie when I make you feel you are the only one I consider. But actually there are few others on my list too.

I lie

I lie when I say you are nice and I like but actually I hope you can be better.

I lie

I lie when I say you are the best but actually someone else is much better

I lie

I lie when I say I never cry over you but actually just yesterday.

I lie

I lie when I say I cant meet you today but I met another

I lie

I lie when I laugh and say go ahead!

I lie

I tell all these lies men lied

Cruel! So Cruel you!

2008-11-14T00:34:00.001-08:00

Stop toying those mind games with your pea brains
Trying to confuse and keeping me at bay

Cos it’s time to get on with your aimless life
and stop entangles and messes up mine.

Live and let live I say
So just go away!

I wont want to know anything about you
or wanna care
That is for someone else to bear

Stop playing those mind games with your pea brains
Cos I am running away
And won’t ever see yous again

Just get a life with someone new
And go away!

Hands...

2008-11-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

This pair of hands has held many others
but wasn’t able to hold anyone for long.

My hand goes weak
and I can’t seem to firmly grab yours in return now like I used to.

There seems to be a burning sting that lingers
that even when you hold my hand,
doubts starts forming and past hurts building.

I feel more comfortable to leave a gap in between,
so that I will not get too connected with you.

I don’t want any more emotional attachment with anyone.

Can you do me a favor?
I guess no way I can ever look back,
with thoughts running in my head.

Just don’t keep me update.
Just let me move on with a clear head.
Just don’t ever hold this hand of mine,
which is already wrinkled and full of pain.

So get on with your aimless life and stop entangles and messes up mine.

Let me break free from your crutches. I wanna to be freeeeeeeeed.

("I get along without you very well")

2008-11-13T06:20:00.000-08:00

Lovely......

"I get along without you very well" by Diana Krall

I get along without you very well,
Of course I do,
Except when soft rains fall
And drip from leaves,
then I recall
The thrill of being sheltered in your arms.
Of course, I do,
But I get along without you very well.

I've forgotten you just like I should,
Of course I have,
Except to hear your name,
Or someone's laugh that is the same,
But I've forgotten you just like I should.

What a guy, what a fool am I,
To think my breaking heart could kid the moon.
What's in store? Should I phone once more?
No, it's best that I stick to my tune.

I get along without you very well,
Of course I do,
Except perhaps in Spring,
But I should never think of Spring,
For that would surely break my heart in two.

BReathless...

2008-10-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

If our love was a fairytale
I would charge in and rescue you
On a yacht baby we would sail
To an island where we'd say I do

And if we had babies they would look like you
It'd be so beautiful if that came true
You don't even know how very special you are

[Chorus]
You leave me breathless
You're everything good in my life
You leave me breathless
I still can't believe that you're mine
You just walked out of one of my dreams
So beautiful you're leaving me
Breathless
And if our love was a story book
We would meet on the very first page
The last chapter would be about
How I'm thankful for the life we've made
And if we had babies they would have your eyes
I would fall deeper watching you give life
You don't even know how very special you are

[Chorus]
You must have been sent from heaven to earth to change me
You're like an angel
The thing that I feel is stronger than love believe me
You're something special
I only hope that I'll one day deserve what you've given me
But all I can do is try
Every day of my life

Hold tightly

2008-09-03T04:50:00.000-07:00

Hold on to my hand tightly, in a crowded place like this...everyone seems to have a motive, rushing off to somewhere they have to be. Somebody, may step on your toe lightly, some may step your foot purposely but no one will care if you lost your way in this crowded city.

See that face on your right, and that old man on your left. Everyone is busy walking. No one will give a damn, stop and ask where you are heading.

Somehow among the crowd, someone may catch your attention and give you a hand when you about to fall. Somehow among the crowd, someone may smile to you and say hello.

Hold on to my hand tightly, in a crowded place like this

You lost your grip, you lose me.

My smile

2008-09-02T03:29:00.001-07:00

This smile will be gone for I dun know how long
I cant give this chirpy playful smile ever again,
which seems bright and sunny that day

This is my smile, which no longer I will smile
for everyone I see walking into my way.

If our daily life is a fresh sheet of paper

2008-09-02T02:53:00.000-07:00

If our daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
How many pages will you shred to pieces?

If our daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
How many pages can we burn into ashes?

If our daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
How many pages can we treasure?

If our daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
How many page numbers will be written?

If our daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
How many names will you scribble?

If our daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
How many moments you wish to jot them on the paper?

If our daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
How many times can we write and re-write it over?

If our daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
How many paras do you intend to erase them forever

If my daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
I wish to tear off right from the page 1 till recent

If my daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
I will delete all names written

If my daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
I will tear off those sad moments
and retain only those that are memorable

If my daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
I will burn the whole chapter

If my daily lide is a fresh sheet of paper
I will strike off pages by pages

If my daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
I will toss you those papers
and demand you to read and discover

If my daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
I will reprint my happiness
and share with everyone I love

If my daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
I will circle those errors
and tick those commendable

If my daily life is a fresh sheet of paper
I will highlight those sentences
I appreciate most

If my daily life can be some fresh sheet of papers
I wish this moment, I can write them down on the paper
And fold them into mini sailing boats
then let them glide in the water
away from my vision
and sink deep into the ocean
these moments I have treasured, should long be gone and leave me forever
so now I return them to the ocean
and hopefully they will be buried deep under
and never resurface, ever.

How it take effects

2008-09-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

Pop a pill and watch the time, its going to take effect anytime

As I watch my surrounding slumbering into swirls, the screen looks bloated and fonts seems running in circles. It looks funny and I giggled a little

I stood up and watch the floor goes up and down, down and up again

I try to walk a step and seem floating in the mid air. The clouds seem to be under my foot bed, sending me straight to my own bed, like a magic carpet.

I laid down and hug it tightly and soon my head started spinning, and soon I traveled to the other mysterious land, where I rest well and peacefully…

(I wasn’t on drugs but just some sleeping pills that took effect)

A poem for the soldier

2008-08-31T21:41:00.001-07:00

How many wrongs to make one right
How many times I try putting up a fight
Who knows of what happen in the late nights
When I need the light but it was out of sight
Things seem fine but not quite
Things aint that bad alright
I just need a guide
It’s all for the sake of my pride
Cry as I might
But that is to put things right
Fight for my fellow soldiers who have died
Till the tide subsides

Leading life like a marathon

2008-08-31T06:38:00.000-07:00

4. IF -

Life is like a marathon
We been running while the clock is ticking
Every minutes goes by, when the hand goes clockwise
Looking back behind you is a path you have been through
And there is no turning back, to re run this track

How many times we wish to take a break and stop
How many times we witnessed others who collapsed and never wake up
How many times we witnessed others who collapsed but stood up
How many times we wish we can run ahead like the one ahead of us
and how many times we tried to encourage others and allow others to encourage us

When will I see the finish line?
When can I give up and say goodbye?
Will someone take over and complete my run?
Will someone sprinkle me with some water?
I am badly dehydrated...
Where is the finishing line?
When will I ever get to pause and say it's done
I am sick of this run
This life of marathon is no fun running under the scorching sun
Just aim me with a gun, and so it will be all done.

Man are greatest salesman!

2008-08-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

Men greatest job is to become a salesman! The most sweetest quotes man can say to hard sell himself to you:

" Christmas is a moment of sharing, I hope that I can spend all my time with my love"

"Hope that you will enjoy this moment with me every year...love you always"

"Love are emotions so strong...that you would give up everything...to just feel it once to know that you are part of something special...to know that you can feel what love really is..."

"Love, Care, Comfort, Warmth, Support and Courage, With love always..."

"I want to give you... a bear hug, sweet kisses, chocolates, flowers...anything you want....except my heart....cos I have lost it.......to you already!"

Spirit!

2008-08-23T02:50:00.000-07:00

Out came the spirit from the chimney
The funny hat it wore, spells of death, sickness and agony
It jumped from the chimney
and landed on the green

Smiling brightly as it taken control over me
Telling me things and drilling them in me
I close my eyes, wishing it is not aftering me

The cold breeze blew and eat into my dry skin
There is no amount of clothings, that could shield me from chilling

My chapped lips quivered and stares straighten.
The little spirit still watching over me.
Mocking at my fears and started to telling me things

I shut each word out, by shaking my head hard
“I dun believe! Oh I dun believe!”

But every little words turned into little mini ants
They started crawling all over me
And invaded my mouth, eyes and ears

“These are for you for not obeying me!”
I gasped for air and stare blankly
I hugged my knees tightly

“No no, don’t tell me! I wish to hear nothing!”
“Stop speaking to me!”
“Stop telling me things!”
“Why can’t I be left alone and do my own things!”

The little surreal spirit stood up right in front of me
“That’s simply becos, you are me! You are your own spirit!”

Knowing me, knowing you and letting us go

2008-07-24T21:48:00.000-07:00

No one knows me tho you may have seen me, talk to me, laughed with me.

Thats the frastrating part and guess I am to be blame for misleading others to know the real me.
And you have never know the real me nor I know much about you.

Time is too short but I guess we tried.
I don’t know what to say anymore.
Was time a factor or was there any hidden agenda?

Somehow I never feel truly involve in the whole thing
The assuring words from you makes me feel there is not a single commitment presence.
It was not the busy schedules that keep us apart
It was the emotional barrier that makes you unreachable and so distant away from me
It is not a matter of dependency or about independent.
It is not about trivial matter that is not worth talking
It about the fact that we are just individual that can never be living as a whole.
Just like the sun that will never meet the moon
Like the day will never come together when the night falls

There was nothing you were interested to know more nor will you like me to know
And thus what good is it all about?
And what is understanding when communication dont seem impt?

I need no second person to remind me what pain is
For it lives in me all these while
Like a cancer growth which never seem to cure

The hollow feeling I feel that I no longer hope you have the patience to know more about me nor I dare to show any concern for you.

The feeling of being left at the bay, keeping me standing just at that distance, and only running towards me when you need to

I need no one to tell me how that feels

For I have been there and back

I can never be the person you want me to be

Likewise you will never be the person I hope you’ll be

And I know I mean nothing

And I know you are tough, and it’s just a phase of life

And so it's time for me to let go. I’m just another closing chapter, another step closer to your finding The One.

And all I say is, we will move on. There are many things I wish I dare to say but the words got choked and I guess it doesn’t matter to us anymore and I guess you have no patience nor think its impt to know.

No, dont.

2008-07-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

No, dont show me the way to unhappiness
Becos it will always manage to find me.

No, dont show me the way to sorrow
Becos it always knock on my door

No, dont tell where hurts
Becos I feel it constantly

No, dont remind me of pain
Becos it lives in me

The door

2008-07-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

I am so close to this door
One that opens to all
One that sets me free from doubts in life
and leads me to a higher height
One that tells me the other side
is a brighter side
and all I have to do
is to take a step
Just a tiny step
and peep inside

I am so close to this door
I touched the knob, but choose to go.
I have no courage to believe what I will see.
"Trust me" said the voice
"I tried and can't" I replied.

And so this door, moved further and further away
Till it become just a beam of light
Leaving me waiting in the dark
Before I decide to face it once again.

Uncertainty

2008-07-11T19:40:00.000-07:00

The uncertainty drives me to insanity
Insecurity is bringing me closer to a split
I dun know where we are heading
It tormenting to think of those possibles over and over again
How relationship brings me uncertainty
How I dread and hate that familiar feeling

We are two different beings
I cant never be what you want me to be
You will never be what I want you to be
There are too many expectations from you and me
I feel a distance between we
We no longer hold hands like we used to be
I no longer have much to talk eventually
There is only one thing revolves between we

I see how shaky this whole thing can be
We may be just lonely
And got together for accompany
Everyday I thought of it
and sob sliently
I no longer know what I wanna be

Things get stagnant after I counted one to three
Coming to think of it
I just wanna run and break free
I cant face the possibility
of seeing the past happening
and having me to go through it
running the scenes again and again in my brain

I dont know you anymore
We dun know we
There are many hidden agenda
Too much of guessing
No more talking over it
We are heading nowhere
I can never be the girl you want me to be
I am not sorry
For I am just me
I cant be with someone who can never accept the way I am
We are just like "hanging on! hanging on!" before the string snaps!
Which we knew that that will happen eventually.

A Bad Dream (Keane)

2008-07-09T03:12:00.001-07:00

Why do I have to fly
over every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
and you that I defend, I do not love.

I wake up,
it's a bad dream,
no one on my side.
I was fighting,
but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.

Where will I
meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man,
and I was born to hate.
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time
you could be my friend.

I wake up,
it's a bad dream,
no one on my side
I was fighting,
but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it
if you were by my side,
but you're long gone,
yeah you're long gone now.

Where do we go?
I don't even know
my strange old face.
And I'm thinking about those days.
And I'm thinking about those days.

I wake up,
it's a bad dream,
no one on my side.
I was fighting,
but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it
if you were by my side,
but you're long gone,
yeah you're long gone now.

I am green hulk (used to be, may still be)

2008-07-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

Dozing off on my brother's bed while waiting for the comp to be passed on to me for use, I spotted this dent which, sadly, was done by me years ago in fit of anger. I cant imagine, having two toothpick-like arms, I will be able to shook the grills so hard that it dented. In fact what you see in the following pics, were actually in the "repaired" stage which my bro uses hammer to bring it back to shape.

Sigh... those were the days. I never knew I was so rough and fully of strength. Well, this is something I dun know either that when I get super duper fucking pissed, I may become green hulk look alike one day. I have mellow down a lot and cool with things. Many things which I use to get so upset about, now they seem so minor to me already. Anger management is only when you learn to control yourself and give yourself some quiet moment to let the anger pass off before thinking with a rational brain. And the key to doing it is to realise and acknowledge that you are angry, next is to find a personal space, then is to vent it out, lastly is to be patience with yourself.

Recently I was super pissed, then what I did was not to confront immediately, but to head off to the washroom and stare at the floor and bath. And cried the hell out. The after that I got back to my reality mode. Without being blinded by anger, I am able to see and deal with myself or others in a better or so to speak, calmer tone. And hey! THat works! Eventually I did not let my anger develop into an ugly situation which I can, and are capable to piss ppl (super pissing ppl off) with my replies and reaction.

Anger management is really very impt and its all up to us to do something about it. But then again, if I can super duper pissed off again in future, I really wonder the kind of suppressive way to deal with thing will ever work. Sometimes, some ppl, you just need to scream and shout and F them upside down before they can even understand what message you are trying to bring across to them. These are the fart ass who needs to take it the hard way.

Why good people bad things?

2008-07-06T08:05:00.001-07:00

Just some days ago, I bought this book about "Why good people do bad things"? I bought it becos the title just hit on me. Flipping thru it, it looks dry, more like a book full of philosophies or sociology and it certainly looks like a research thesis.

Then again, good ppl are what we think they are. What is the standard guide or code of conduct which will help to judge if a person is deem GOOD? Saving a life by killing another, is that good?

However, the focus of the entry is not about selling you this book but about why "good" people like me, did (or hope to do) bad things. Yes, I do bad things too. I am not good. I am good as you see as an overall.

In fact, base on that, all or most of us are good people. Bad people are only labeled as one when he or she is charged in front of the law. But actually there are even more bad ppl whom did lots of bad things which there is no single law in this world can charge and say hey! thats fucking wrong! So how do we sentence these ppl?

I try not to be a bad person by throwing useless pamphlets in the rubbish bin instead of accidentally allowing them to drop on the floor or be blown away by the strong wind but then if I drop them in the lift, I will not consider picking it up again. Am I a good or bad person?

I try to be a good person by telling someone there are cream on their face but then laughing out to myself when I turn away. Am I a good or bad person?

I wanna place a hateful person's pic under my piles of heavy books, spreading her damn blog print outs to everyone, plaster her pics all over the web. Am I bad?

I kill ants with my finger without sparing a thought for the immerse pain of death caused to it.

Does these make me a bad person? If so, then I am.

Life is a pool of shit

2008-07-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

The clock strikes 4
He fell onto the floor
His cold hard body
Was once so strong and sturdy

The life slipped off
Oh so slow and steady as it is draining away
Like a swirl of smoke coming out from the chimney

The blood shot eyes, how I wish I am blind
How I wish I have many lives
To spare for those who wish to live
for living to me, it's just a pool of shit!

My first post

2008-07-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

This is my 1st post.

This will be the place you will see, the other side of me, the surrealist side so to speak. There are many doubts in my life these days I wonder why am I thinking so much. But I am born with it. A brain which runs a marathon.

There are many things I started to wonder. Sometimes, no. Many times, in deep thoughts. Then I realise, I have been escaping from reality. Those that I have hurt, those that hurts, those that I intend to hurt, those that I am going to hurt. There are so many things I can do to hurt others. I realise how vicious have I become. Getting involved with ppl I shouldnt have in the 1st place. Those mistakes, sucks.

And what have changed about my doubts about being a moral person. Anyone in this fucking world even care about this word? Does it even exist or guess it's getting extinct. Even in school, there is not much emphasis on moral education anymore. Do you know sometimes, even walking on the grass, it will suddenly hit on me that the living grass will scream in pain? Do anyone given care? If I tell others about my thought, I guess I will be seen like a lunatic.

I started to stare into ppl's faces, and wonder why the hell I am sitting here talking to you or even be listening to what you are talking about? Why the hell am I here? Who are you? What am I doing everyday?

Many a times, even walking on the street, I am the one given ways to others. Holding the lift for others, opening the doors for others, letting other out from the lift 1st, giving ways for others. BUT WHO THE HELL NOTICE ME?! Such gestures are always taken for granted. My kindness are always taken for granted as if its something by default I should be doing. I realise human forgot about "putting others before themselves". Is this a world I am living in? I really hate this world culture we have.

What do I want in my life? I mean, there is only one life time, this life time I have got. How do I want to craft it to become? The more I think of it, the more withdrawn I become.

I am truely not a perfect person, I have my dark sides too. Like seeing ppl I hate, I curse them in my heart but smile straight into their face. Slowly you will see the dark side of me here in this blog. That is the reason why I wanted to start a new blog expressing my frustration and anger.

There will be times when I hate seeing human. There are times when I suddenly switch off and off to nowhere. Tired of replying smses, talking, msning, basically tired of just communicating.

Sometimes I wish I have the courage to give all, but certain replies I get saddens me and discourages me to just be myself and contribute further for others. Or even treat a relship seriously.

What is commitment actually? While asking others to commit, do I even have the courage to do so? I looked at the past and reviewed my life. All are a bunch of bullshits I have thrown myself into. Seriously, no one loved me.

Then again, have I truly loved anyone? The immediately thought scares me to even think further. There are so much in this four letter word that I dare not read into it anymore. No one will ever treat me the way he does. But no way I will want to even see his fucking face anymore. Becos of a man I once loved, I jeopardised my trust in everyone, every rlship, every thoughts I have, every picture I piece. Blame him or me? I blame fate.

No amt of happiness he has brought me, would be enough to compensate the hurt caused. I hate and curse him almost everyday. I see traces of him in every new man and I just cant bring myself to attain another level of trust nor faith nor contribution with others. Every time, the concern and contributions end there. It always end at that particular level and stationary there. I just cant move to another level, and that frustrates me and I have also cried over it a few times for not being able to conquer this mental barrier. I wish I have a gigantic eraser to rub off my past. I wish I have a magic clock which I can turn back the clock by turning the minute hand anti clockwise.

I am very unwilling to give more, hearing replies from others hinders me to give even more, and the more I shut myself away. I am no longer as daring or naive like before.

Arent human like monsters? There are so many monsters around me. Big, small, tall or short, fat or skinny. Those characters they have makes them all so ugly that it irkes me.

Seriously, sometimes, seeing men, I realize how much I hate them that I wish those I hate, walking in the shopping mall, will collapse and die of heart attack when I stare at them with hatred.

Anyway, do you know how much I hate you fuckers living in this world, full of yourselves, seeing only yourselves in the mirror and only its just you, you and YOU!?