Let go.

I cant believe that I am here to writing again. Reading back some of the past posts I have in my blogs, I realized my life principle hasn't change much. The things that I do not like, the things that I like, are still the same things.

I am more vocal right now, because life experiences have mold the me today. I realized that I can't just short change myself, no one is going to stand there and fight by me or for me. I have to protect and stand for myself when need be.

Recently, I chatted with a friend. I asked her how she managed all the mistreatment she received al these time. She simply say "tolerate and let go". She observed that I have been quite pampered too much so that I cant stand the slightest "mistreat" others done on me. That set me ponder. Yes, I have to agree that all 3 siblings are too pampered.

For 32 years, I have been brought up like that. I have my fair share of arguments with my parents, to the extend of hurting them badly in order to force them understand that they need to let us go and live independently and survive in this real world and over the years, they do learn to let go, partly because they are getting older. We are brought up in a drama mama culture where arguments in the family could escalate to someone trying to jump down the building, threatening to use knife on another etc. But why none of us were hurt until today? That's simply because none of us really wanted to do that. We were just at the moment, where words could not help to express further our emotions. The dramas at home lessen and decreased over the years . I have also grown up over the years please don't discredit me for that for I know I did.

There were countless moments when I was angry and I could just be back to square one but I did not. I let go but no one seems to feel it or even remember or maybe he wanted even more? As long as he stereotype me as that person who are so pampered and petty and always angry, and I always will be that person in his eyes. No matter what countless of arguments we have, no matter how many times I thought it won't work, I did hold on. I jumped back to my chirpy self, always making you smile when we go out don't you remember? Don't you remember the times when I made you happy? You really don't remember? Who does not want to have happy day everyday? But its a reality world we live in. Happiness comes hand in hand with Unhappiness.

I have been there at the moments when you were down. I was there supporting you doing the things you like. In fact, I become you. Even though I am not a high earner, I bought you the most expensive gift you need. I feel so ashamed now if my parents or sibilings ever get to read this. And all I got was yes, I could find someone better, you are not the same person that I first like. And you can use your words loosely like that, and I have to, not feel hurt, forget about it and let go, even when the words sink deep and plunged into my heart deeply and tattooed itself, I was blamed for keep harping on the negative thoughts? I was blame for being weak?

There were moments when I wasn't angry at all but you insist I am. You assumed I was and got angry with me. you can assume all that was going on in your mind and you can think its ok not to ask me to clarify yet, when I was upset with you, you said I should just say it out. You always assume that I am unhappy being with your friends. I wasn't at all unhappy throughout the trip, did you assume again? I was super sick, do you even remember? Should I not done enough to conceal my sickness even countless of pills? Its my fault again? You mean I should not even show any signs of unwell or you think I should be done more to conceal it in front of you and your friends? You never offer to buy me any medication from the pharmacy or even cross your mind or even ask if I am feeling any better or do I need more rest? You didnt even offer to help to fold my clothings in your luggage. I know this is a small issue but its all these small common sense of care and concern from two person who are in love isn't it? And I always help to hang and fold up your clothings when they lies around, do you realised or noticed that or you think it's the room service?

There were moments when I need assurance from you and you told me to be independent, stop imagining! And I am always the one to deal with my own thoughts. When you are down and unhappy, when you need me, I am expected to be there and accompany you, and the best thing is, i am expected to know what you are unhappy. I showed concern about you when you were sick, you told me to relax as if I am over reacting. When I don't show concern, you said I never offer to send you home or accompany you to see the doc.
 
You always blame me for accusing you for saying that you have something going on with A. Since that Mt K trip, do you still remember that you "ditch" me at the back and walked up the stairs and chatted up with her? Do you remember how you helped her to unopen the bottle and you said to me "we are a team!" and when I need someone to help with something, you were not as attentive? And then you expect me to feel nothing again.

You expect me to accept that you changed your mind and agreed on the team's run and expect me to feel nothing when we had past quarrels over her?

And over the time, I did overcome all that jealousy and yes, I trusted. I accompanied you to shop for your team's even singlets, I initiated dinners with them, I joined in the trainings with you all and some times, I let go and let you go ahead with them without my presence.  You dont consider that as my contribution and effort don't you? You expected even more don't you?

You expected me to feel nothing at all when you said you are interested to see naked girls dancing on the bar top, touching you, don't you? And that's simply because it's the country's culture. as simple as that I have to agree, don't you? And will you give me the same leniency if I said I want to see naked macho man dancing around me touching me and I say that infront of you and your friends. How that will feel to you? I will feel nothing if this comes from a complete stranger sitting next to me.

You expected me to feel nothing when you shout at me in the public, grab my arm and back of my neck, ditching me to go home on my own when we argued? I know all these were the past. But I need to remind you that I did let go and continue believing in us because you don't seemed to remember what you did.

And ppl said I am too pampered? I didn't let go? I didn't grow up? I didn't try and try to tolerate and let go?


I don't know what other things you expect me to feel nothing for the things you will be doing to me in future.


Love between two person could be much easier if you can be consistent. If you can make more effort, if you can equally grow up and decide if you really want to spend your life with the another person.

There is no such thing as living as a single even after marriage. Who is the one who needs grow up? Who is the one who is the confusing one? Who is the one?

Forgiveness is provided that the person don't do it again. I mean, dont hurt me again, It's not just don't repeat the same action again.

I don't have much 3 years of youth to waste anymore. but even until now, I am still trying to let go and making things work...have you tried for the past two weeks?