Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Let go.
I cant believe that I am here to writing again. Reading back some of the past posts I have in my blogs, I realized my life principle hasn't change much. The things that I do not like, the things that I like, are still the same things.
I am more vocal right now, because life experiences have mold the me today. I realized that I can't just short change myself, no one is going to stand there and fight by me or for me. I have to protect and stand for myself when need be.
Recently, I chatted with a friend. I asked her how she managed all the mistreatment she received al these time. She simply say "tolerate and let go". She observed that I have been quite pampered too much so that I cant stand the slightest "mistreat" others done on me. That set me ponder. Yes, I have to agree that all 3 siblings are too pampered.
For 32 years, I have been brought up like that. I have my fair share of arguments with my parents, to the extend of hurting them badly in order to force them understand that they need to let us go and live independently and survive in this real world and over the years, they do learn to let go, partly because they are getting older. We are brought up in a drama mama culture where arguments in the family could escalate to someone trying to jump down the building, threatening to use knife on another etc. But why none of us were hurt until today? That's simply because none of us really wanted to do that. We were just at the moment, where words could not help to express further our emotions. The dramas at home lessen and decreased over the years . I have also grown up over the years please don't discredit me for that for I know I did.
There were countless moments when I was angry and I could just be back to square one but I did not. I let go but no one seems to feel it or even remember or maybe he wanted even more? As long as he stereotype me as that person who are so pampered and petty and always angry, and I always will be that person in his eyes. No matter what countless of arguments we have, no matter how many times I thought it won't work, I did hold on. I jumped back to my chirpy self, always making you smile when we go out don't you remember? Don't you remember the times when I made you happy? You really don't remember? Who does not want to have happy day everyday? But its a reality world we live in. Happiness comes hand in hand with Unhappiness.
I have been there at the moments when you were down. I was there supporting you doing the things you like. In fact, I become you. Even though I am not a high earner, I bought you the most expensive gift you need. I feel so ashamed now if my parents or sibilings ever get to read this. And all I got was yes, I could find someone better, you are not the same person that I first like. And you can use your words loosely like that, and I have to, not feel hurt, forget about it and let go, even when the words sink deep and plunged into my heart deeply and tattooed itself, I was blamed for keep harping on the negative thoughts? I was blame for being weak?
There were moments when I wasn't angry at all but you insist I am. You assumed I was and got angry with me. you can assume all that was going on in your mind and you can think its ok not to ask me to clarify yet, when I was upset with you, you said I should just say it out. You always assume that I am unhappy being with your friends. I wasn't at all unhappy throughout the trip, did you assume again? I was super sick, do you even remember? Should I not done enough to conceal my sickness even countless of pills? Its my fault again? You mean I should not even show any signs of unwell or you think I should be done more to conceal it in front of you and your friends? You never offer to buy me any medication from the pharmacy or even cross your mind or even ask if I am feeling any better or do I need more rest? You didnt even offer to help to fold my clothings in your luggage. I know this is a small issue but its all these small common sense of care and concern from two person who are in love isn't it? And I always help to hang and fold up your clothings when they lies around, do you realised or noticed that or you think it's the room service?
There were moments when I need assurance from you and you told me to be independent, stop imagining! And I am always the one to deal with my own thoughts. When you are down and unhappy, when you need me, I am expected to be there and accompany you, and the best thing is, i am expected to know what you are unhappy. I showed concern about you when you were sick, you told me to relax as if I am over reacting. When I don't show concern, you said I never offer to send you home or accompany you to see the doc.
You always blame me for accusing you for saying that you have something going on with A. Since that Mt K trip, do you still remember that you "ditch" me at the back and walked up the stairs and chatted up with her? Do you remember how you helped her to unopen the bottle and you said to me "we are a team!" and when I need someone to help with something, you were not as attentive? And then you expect me to feel nothing again.
You expect me to accept that you changed your mind and agreed on the team's run and expect me to feel nothing when we had past quarrels over her?
And over the time, I did overcome all that jealousy and yes, I trusted. I accompanied you to shop for your team's even singlets, I initiated dinners with them, I joined in the trainings with you all and some times, I let go and let you go ahead with them without my presence. You dont consider that as my contribution and effort don't you? You expected even more don't you?
You expected me to feel nothing at all when you said you are interested to see naked girls dancing on the bar top, touching you, don't you? And that's simply because it's the country's culture. as simple as that I have to agree, don't you? And will you give me the same leniency if I said I want to see naked macho man dancing around me touching me and I say that infront of you and your friends. How that will feel to you? I will feel nothing if this comes from a complete stranger sitting next to me.
You expected me to feel nothing when you shout at me in the public, grab my arm and back of my neck, ditching me to go home on my own when we argued? I know all these were the past. But I need to remind you that I did let go and continue believing in us because you don't seemed to remember what you did.
And ppl said I am too pampered? I didn't let go? I didn't grow up? I didn't try and try to tolerate and let go?
I don't know what other things you expect me to feel nothing for the things you will be doing to me in future.
Love between two person could be much easier if you can be consistent. If you can make more effort, if you can equally grow up and decide if you really want to spend your life with the another person.
There is no such thing as living as a single even after marriage. Who is the one who needs grow up? Who is the one who is the confusing one? Who is the one?
Forgiveness is provided that the person don't do it again. I mean, dont hurt me again, It's not just don't repeat the same action again.
I don't have much 3 years of youth to waste anymore. but even until now, I am still trying to let go and making things work...have you tried for the past two weeks?
I am more vocal right now, because life experiences have mold the me today. I realized that I can't just short change myself, no one is going to stand there and fight by me or for me. I have to protect and stand for myself when need be.
Recently, I chatted with a friend. I asked her how she managed all the mistreatment she received al these time. She simply say "tolerate and let go". She observed that I have been quite pampered too much so that I cant stand the slightest "mistreat" others done on me. That set me ponder. Yes, I have to agree that all 3 siblings are too pampered.
For 32 years, I have been brought up like that. I have my fair share of arguments with my parents, to the extend of hurting them badly in order to force them understand that they need to let us go and live independently and survive in this real world and over the years, they do learn to let go, partly because they are getting older. We are brought up in a drama mama culture where arguments in the family could escalate to someone trying to jump down the building, threatening to use knife on another etc. But why none of us were hurt until today? That's simply because none of us really wanted to do that. We were just at the moment, where words could not help to express further our emotions. The dramas at home lessen and decreased over the years . I have also grown up over the years please don't discredit me for that for I know I did.
There were countless moments when I was angry and I could just be back to square one but I did not. I let go but no one seems to feel it or even remember or maybe he wanted even more? As long as he stereotype me as that person who are so pampered and petty and always angry, and I always will be that person in his eyes. No matter what countless of arguments we have, no matter how many times I thought it won't work, I did hold on. I jumped back to my chirpy self, always making you smile when we go out don't you remember? Don't you remember the times when I made you happy? You really don't remember? Who does not want to have happy day everyday? But its a reality world we live in. Happiness comes hand in hand with Unhappiness.
I have been there at the moments when you were down. I was there supporting you doing the things you like. In fact, I become you. Even though I am not a high earner, I bought you the most expensive gift you need. I feel so ashamed now if my parents or sibilings ever get to read this. And all I got was yes, I could find someone better, you are not the same person that I first like. And you can use your words loosely like that, and I have to, not feel hurt, forget about it and let go, even when the words sink deep and plunged into my heart deeply and tattooed itself, I was blamed for keep harping on the negative thoughts? I was blame for being weak?
There were moments when I wasn't angry at all but you insist I am. You assumed I was and got angry with me. you can assume all that was going on in your mind and you can think its ok not to ask me to clarify yet, when I was upset with you, you said I should just say it out. You always assume that I am unhappy being with your friends. I wasn't at all unhappy throughout the trip, did you assume again? I was super sick, do you even remember? Should I not done enough to conceal my sickness even countless of pills? Its my fault again? You mean I should not even show any signs of unwell or you think I should be done more to conceal it in front of you and your friends? You never offer to buy me any medication from the pharmacy or even cross your mind or even ask if I am feeling any better or do I need more rest? You didnt even offer to help to fold my clothings in your luggage. I know this is a small issue but its all these small common sense of care and concern from two person who are in love isn't it? And I always help to hang and fold up your clothings when they lies around, do you realised or noticed that or you think it's the room service?
There were moments when I need assurance from you and you told me to be independent, stop imagining! And I am always the one to deal with my own thoughts. When you are down and unhappy, when you need me, I am expected to be there and accompany you, and the best thing is, i am expected to know what you are unhappy. I showed concern about you when you were sick, you told me to relax as if I am over reacting. When I don't show concern, you said I never offer to send you home or accompany you to see the doc.
You always blame me for accusing you for saying that you have something going on with A. Since that Mt K trip, do you still remember that you "ditch" me at the back and walked up the stairs and chatted up with her? Do you remember how you helped her to unopen the bottle and you said to me "we are a team!" and when I need someone to help with something, you were not as attentive? And then you expect me to feel nothing again.
You expect me to accept that you changed your mind and agreed on the team's run and expect me to feel nothing when we had past quarrels over her?
And over the time, I did overcome all that jealousy and yes, I trusted. I accompanied you to shop for your team's even singlets, I initiated dinners with them, I joined in the trainings with you all and some times, I let go and let you go ahead with them without my presence. You dont consider that as my contribution and effort don't you? You expected even more don't you?
You expected me to feel nothing at all when you said you are interested to see naked girls dancing on the bar top, touching you, don't you? And that's simply because it's the country's culture. as simple as that I have to agree, don't you? And will you give me the same leniency if I said I want to see naked macho man dancing around me touching me and I say that infront of you and your friends. How that will feel to you? I will feel nothing if this comes from a complete stranger sitting next to me.
You expected me to feel nothing when you shout at me in the public, grab my arm and back of my neck, ditching me to go home on my own when we argued? I know all these were the past. But I need to remind you that I did let go and continue believing in us because you don't seemed to remember what you did.
And ppl said I am too pampered? I didn't let go? I didn't grow up? I didn't try and try to tolerate and let go?
I don't know what other things you expect me to feel nothing for the things you will be doing to me in future.
Love between two person could be much easier if you can be consistent. If you can make more effort, if you can equally grow up and decide if you really want to spend your life with the another person.
There is no such thing as living as a single even after marriage. Who is the one who needs grow up? Who is the one who is the confusing one? Who is the one?
Forgiveness is provided that the person don't do it again. I mean, dont hurt me again, It's not just don't repeat the same action again.
I don't have much 3 years of youth to waste anymore. but even until now, I am still trying to let go and making things work...have you tried for the past two weeks?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
My life
If there are stars in the sky
Why could I only see the hollow sky
I tried to touch the dark sky
But it drift further away and away
Refusing my touch
I turned away and lowered my head
Hugging close to the bed
For some warmth and comfort
For that's the only place who kept me safe
The strongest shoulder in this planet
Is the icy cold wall
Where I could lean and give me great supports
And when emotions are done
And the dews are dried
Its just another passing phase
Where I walk this way
Along with my shadow
Where the dim light shone ahead
Showing me a shed of hope
Which was overshadowed
By the overwhelming darkness
And the light gets smaller
Like a pinhole size
And my foot steps
Become slower and heavier
Until I see no more light
I stood and freezed
My breath gets slower
Drawing a little each time
If there is a donation drive for life
How I wish I could give mine
Why could I only see the hollow sky
I tried to touch the dark sky
But it drift further away and away
Refusing my touch
I turned away and lowered my head
Hugging close to the bed
For some warmth and comfort
For that's the only place who kept me safe
The strongest shoulder in this planet
Is the icy cold wall
Where I could lean and give me great supports
And when emotions are done
And the dews are dried
Its just another passing phase
Where I walk this way
Along with my shadow
Where the dim light shone ahead
Showing me a shed of hope
Which was overshadowed
By the overwhelming darkness
And the light gets smaller
Like a pinhole size
And my foot steps
Become slower and heavier
Until I see no more light
I stood and freezed
My breath gets slower
Drawing a little each time
If there is a donation drive for life
How I wish I could give mine
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The long wait.........
The butterflies fly fly
The insane woman cry cry
The foolish one says good bye
The lonely one talks to no one
The world swirls clockwise
My world seems to be the end of time
The exhilaration died down
And the dark cloud returns to town
The wait is long and aimless
The results would it be speechless?
A game of gamble
My fate held by the others
All sealed in a bag of red dancing ribbons
The guilt that will never be washed by droplets
The pain in the heart, no one could describe
The left and right routes lay up
Like pieces of dominos piled up
Which route will I be destining to walk?
Which route will cut like roses’ torns?
What lays ahead my lord?
Why torment me till I rot?
Why can’t you just leave me alone?
How many others you have fought?
If this the life you want me to live
Tell me straight
The wait is long and I could not wait
The insane woman cry cry
The foolish one says good bye
The lonely one talks to no one
The world swirls clockwise
My world seems to be the end of time
The exhilaration died down
And the dark cloud returns to town
The wait is long and aimless
The results would it be speechless?
A game of gamble
My fate held by the others
All sealed in a bag of red dancing ribbons
The guilt that will never be washed by droplets
The pain in the heart, no one could describe
The left and right routes lay up
Like pieces of dominos piled up
Which route will I be destining to walk?
Which route will cut like roses’ torns?
What lays ahead my lord?
Why torment me till I rot?
Why can’t you just leave me alone?
How many others you have fought?
If this the life you want me to live
Tell me straight
The wait is long and I could not wait
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Time to stop wasting time
I have no time
I must have been too kind
I can wait but time wont wait
Many doubts and fears
And year rolls after year
Its not that I cant wait
But time wont let me wait
I am still coping with facts
I wish they don’t exist but I have to accept
I dont have a bigger heart
That could contain all your spiky darts
How much more to be put through
How much should I wait?
How much will I expect and get disappointed when I age
How many more devasting truth to face?
The diving bell rings
Tell me its enough of hell to even spend time to think
Halt and look into my soul
What life should I hold?
I tried to melt the clock
I tried to tell myself just have faith
The old man told me to be patience
But hold on no more would I be so foolish
For life is short and time wont wait
And its just one life time I could live
Time should spend more wisely
Else it just slip pass silently
Leave their traces on my face
And if thats the case
I rather be engraved
On that cold solid stone
That embrace
And its a stone that I have
or each of us will have
at the end of this journey
No matter how much love we gave
or gotten from grace
I must have been too kind
I can wait but time wont wait
Many doubts and fears
And year rolls after year
Its not that I cant wait
But time wont let me wait
I am still coping with facts
I wish they don’t exist but I have to accept
I dont have a bigger heart
That could contain all your spiky darts
How much more to be put through
How much should I wait?
How much will I expect and get disappointed when I age
How many more devasting truth to face?
The diving bell rings
Tell me its enough of hell to even spend time to think
Halt and look into my soul
What life should I hold?
I tried to melt the clock
I tried to tell myself just have faith
The old man told me to be patience
But hold on no more would I be so foolish
For life is short and time wont wait
And its just one life time I could live
Time should spend more wisely
Else it just slip pass silently
Leave their traces on my face
And if thats the case
I rather be engraved
On that cold solid stone
That embrace
And its a stone that I have
or each of us will have
at the end of this journey
No matter how much love we gave
or gotten from grace
Thursday, February 26, 2009
虽然我愿意
词:伍家辉 小寒 萧贺硕
曲:伍家辉
请让我靠近你轻轻对你说
别让我每个夜为你受折磨
是多么不容易才默默放手
为了我就当作这次为了我
别让我因为你被回忆折磨
而空气凝结了我们的脸孔
我别无选择
Chorus
就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃
虽然我愿意
就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意
心还想着你
再让我靠近你轻轻对你说
当我说我要你从此好好过
是真的否则我怎么肯放手
为了我就当作这次为了我
赐给我你现在幸福的笑容
别让恨冻结了我们的脸孔
请你做选择
曲:伍家辉
请让我靠近你轻轻对你说
别让我每个夜为你受折磨
是多么不容易才默默放手
为了我就当作这次为了我
别让我因为你被回忆折磨
而空气凝结了我们的脸孔
我别无选择
Chorus
就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃
虽然我愿意
就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂
虽然我愿意
心还想着你
再让我靠近你轻轻对你说
当我说我要你从此好好过
是真的否则我怎么肯放手
为了我就当作这次为了我
赐给我你现在幸福的笑容
别让恨冻结了我们的脸孔
请你做选择
Monday, February 23, 2009
是我想太多
是我想太多你总这样说 (You said I have been thinking too much)
但你却没有真的心疼我 (But you have never seriously cared)
是我想太多我也这样说 (I have thought too much)
这是唯一能安慰我的理由 (This is the only word I could use to comfort myself)
但你却没有真的心疼我 (But you have never seriously cared)
是我想太多我也这样说 (I have thought too much)
这是唯一能安慰我的理由 (This is the only word I could use to comfort myself)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
