My first post

This is my 1st post.

This will be the place you will see, the other side of me, the surrealist side so to speak. There are many doubts in my life these days I wonder why am I thinking so much. But I am born with it. A brain which runs a marathon.

There are many things I started to wonder. Sometimes, no. Many times, in deep thoughts. Then I realise, I have been escaping from reality. Those that I have hurt, those that hurts, those that I intend to hurt, those that I am going to hurt. There are so many things I can do to hurt others. I realise how vicious have I become. Getting involved with ppl I shouldnt have in the 1st place. Those mistakes, sucks.

And what have changed about my doubts about being a moral person. Anyone in this fucking world even care about this word? Does it even exist or guess it's getting extinct. Even in school, there is not much emphasis on moral education anymore. Do you know sometimes, even walking on the grass, it will suddenly hit on me that the living grass will scream in pain? Do anyone given care? If I tell others about my thought, I guess I will be seen like a lunatic.

I started to stare into ppl's faces, and wonder why the hell I am sitting here talking to you or even be listening to what you are talking about? Why the hell am I here? Who are you? What am I doing everyday?

Many a times, even walking on the street, I am the one given ways to others. Holding the lift for others, opening the doors for others, letting other out from the lift 1st, giving ways for others. BUT WHO THE HELL NOTICE ME?! Such gestures are always taken for granted. My kindness are always taken for granted as if its something by default I should be doing. I realise human forgot about "putting others before themselves". Is this a world I am living in? I really hate this world culture we have.

What do I want in my life? I mean, there is only one life time, this life time I have got. How do I want to craft it to become? The more I think of it, the more withdrawn I become.

I am truely not a perfect person, I have my dark sides too. Like seeing ppl I hate, I curse them in my heart but smile straight into their face. Slowly you will see the dark side of me here in this blog. That is the reason why I wanted to start a new blog expressing my frustration and anger.

There will be times when I hate seeing human. There are times when I suddenly switch off and off to nowhere. Tired of replying smses, talking, msning, basically tired of just communicating.

Sometimes I wish I have the courage to give all, but certain replies I get saddens me and discourages me to just be myself and contribute further for others. Or even treat a relship seriously.

What is commitment actually? While asking others to commit, do I even have the courage to do so? I looked at the past and reviewed my life. All are a bunch of bullshits I have thrown myself into. Seriously, no one loved me.

Then again, have I truly loved anyone? The immediately thought scares me to even think further. There are so much in this four letter word that I dare not read into it anymore. No one will ever treat me the way he does. But no way I will want to even see his fucking face anymore. Becos of a man I once loved, I jeopardised my trust in everyone, every rlship, every thoughts I have, every picture I piece. Blame him or me? I blame fate.

No amt of happiness he has brought me, would be enough to compensate the hurt caused. I hate and curse him almost everyday. I see traces of him in every new man and I just cant bring myself to attain another level of trust nor faith nor contribution with others. Every time, the concern and contributions end there. It always end at that particular level and stationary there. I just cant move to another level, and that frustrates me and I have also cried over it a few times for not being able to conquer this mental barrier. I wish I have a gigantic eraser to rub off my past. I wish I have a magic clock which I can turn back the clock by turning the minute hand anti clockwise.

I am very unwilling to give more, hearing replies from others hinders me to give even more, and the more I shut myself away. I am no longer as daring or naive like before.

Arent human like monsters? There are so many monsters around me. Big, small, tall or short, fat or skinny. Those characters they have makes them all so ugly that it irkes me.

Seriously, sometimes, seeing men, I realize how much I hate them that I wish those I hate, walking in the shopping mall, will collapse and die of heart attack when I stare at them with hatred.

Anyway, do you know how much I hate you fuckers living in this world, full of yourselves, seeing only yourselves in the mirror and only its just you, you and YOU!?